Versailles News: Phyllis Diller one more time


Phyllis Diller was a popular stand up comedienne from the 1950s until her retirement in 2002. She passed away in 2012 at the age of 95. She carved a uniquely one-of-a-kind stage persona with her bizarre clothing, unkempt hair, schmaltzy mannerisms, and exaggerated cackling laugh. She was a tiny 5 foot 1 inch tall but a giant in her profession. A couple of quotes that seemed to define herself were “You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone” and “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.” From these two quotes I conclude she was a woman of wisdom. Aware of her gift, she knew the power of laughter, that laughter could be found in one’s everyday lives, and that she didn’t take herself and life so seriously that she couldn’t laugh at life’s lessons or herself.

Although we may not have her talent for writing one-liners we can appreciate her “married homemaker” humor and its underlying wisdom, that is, we “baby boomers” can appreciate such humor and wit. Today’s home life no longer resembles that of our childhood memories, which makes our reaction to Diller’s humor a commingling of amusing, contemplative and wistful. I trust you will hear her voice and laughter as you read them and enjoy these quips as much as I have.

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

I have so little money in my bank account that my scenic checks show a ghetto.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her right breast. It turned out to be a trick knee.

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.

If you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.

If it weren’t for baseball, most kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

They say housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still at home is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them

The best way to get rid of kitchen odors is to eat out.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

My cooking is so bad that my kids thought Thanksgiving was in memory of Pearl Harbor.

Be nice to your children because they will be the ones who will choose your rest home.

When I told, my husband, Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, “Who’d steal it?”

The only thing domestic about me is I was born in this country.

I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’

You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.

I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

My vanity table is a Black & Decker workbench.

I have so many liver spots; I ought to come with a side of onions.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo

Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don’t give a damn.

Photos of me don’t do me justice. They just look like me.

I’m glad that beauty is only skin deep. Otherwise, I’d be rotten to the core.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Robert Redford once asked me out. I was in his room.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.


You have until Monday to rid yourself of old electronic equipment at the Worch Library Recycling Drive.

Tuesday, May 8 is the Ohio Primary Election. Ohio has a nice website to help you find the necessary information about the candidates, the election calendar, absentee voting, and election results at

Versailles Promenade will be held in the Performing Arts Theatre this Saturday at 7:30 p.m, enter through door 19. Crowning of the king and queen immediately follows the promenade. Good luck to court candidates, they are: Cassie Peters, Danielle Winner, Lauren Durham, Kami McEldowney, Kari Mangen, AJ Ahrens, Isaac Gehret, Keaton McEldowney, Kyle Jones and Kurtis Rutschilling.

Happy birthday to newborn Riley Schmitmeyer, daughter of Megan and John Schmitmeyer, as well as Xavier Middendorf, Nicole Ingle, Kris Poeppelman, Ruth Kremer, Tiffany Fine, Brandy Spencer, Christina Chrisman, David Nixon, Barbara Sanderson, Gabe Cusick, Joe Cusick, Pastor Kelly Moody, Marie Carity, Taylor and Jacob Armstrong, Charles Broering, Michelle Baker, Kylie Kremer, Lois Magoto, Marti Phelan, Don “Mushy” Marchal, Elizabeth Eiting, Larry Boos, Julie Barlage, John Bruns, Angie Cromwell, Jerry Magoto, Kristina Marshall, Whitney Mann, Christina Chalmers, Pam Spitzer, Brian & Jason Hemmelgarn, Linda Moody, Tony Luthman, Antrum Stewart, Julie Covault, Kyle Christian, Larry Langston, Isabele Henninger, and Steffani Crummett as their birthdays approach, as well as, anniversary wishes to Kim and Mike Hayes (15), Jenny (Phlipot) and Chris Hamilton (16), Jenni (Monnin) and Steve Shields (16), Rhonda and Keith Moorman (28), Lil and Steve Borchers (31), and Cyndie and Mark Rhoades (47).

Please give your supportive and healing prayers for the many who are dealing with any of life’s countless challenges, and especially for Wava Paulus, Larry Brown, Tracey Sowards, Hazel Nickol, Donnie Butsch, Scarlet Unrast, Tami Russell, Jenni Meyer, Donna Apple, Marcia Davidson, Alice Luthman, Richard Coffield, Dakota Miller, Michelle Sherman, John and Miriam Harman, Dave Magoto, Patricia Borchers, Bob Miller, Iona Gariety, Loretta Bey, Steve Bey, Aiden Myers, Margaret Hoehne, Marcy and Carl Stuck, Lucy Hole, Esther Eiting, Connie Hoehne, Betty Brown, Lisa Zumberger, Lois Knapke, Claire Owens, Angie Keiser, Jerry Paulus, Janice Berger, Janet Folkerth, Beverly Brown, Cyril Frantz, Denny Subler, Jack Borgerding, Alvira Marchal, Jane and Louie Huber, Earl Gigandet, Pooch Barga, Chris Apple, Ruth Wirrig, Wilma Heiby, Linda Wilson, Carl DeMange, Mary Seman, Marge Prakel, Mary Batty, Norma Magoto, Betty Kremer, Denny Grilliot, Virginia Smith, Anabelle Subler, Lois Youngker, Barb Goubeaux, Eileen Rahm, Cyril Voisard Samantha Smith and those not mentioned by name who are recuperating, hospitalized, homebound and/or in need of our prayers.

Please join me in extending heartfelt sympathy to the families and friends of Kenneth Lechleiter (68), Michael Pressnall (69), Carol “Darlene” Fair (74), Joyce Lease (79), Helen Maxine Martin (88). Also remembering the lives of Wilma Zumberger, Lonas “Von” Spitzer, Mary Ann Heitkamp, Jean Meyer, Rita Hilgefort, George Coffield, Herbert Huber, Jean McGlinch and all those held in our hearts, but not mentioned by name as the anniversary of their passing nears.

“Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people seem bright until they speak.” ~Phyllis Diller

“Humor is something that thrives between man’s aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.” ~Victor Borge

“Humor is truth; wit is an exaggeration of the truth.” ~Stan Laurel

By Kathy Magoto

Versailles News

Kathy Magoto is a volunteer citizen columnist, who serves The Daily Advocate readers weekly with her Friday Versailles community column. She can be reached at [email protected] or at 526-3798. Feel free to contact her with Versailles news and tidbits. Viewpoints expressed in the article are the work of the author. The Daily Advocate does not endorse these viewpoints or the independent activities of the author.

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